This is the “subconscious ping pong” that happens inside of you that makes you feel dissociated😏
You are starting to feel more present..
but you dont like this feeling of anger that you’re feeling right now..
so you doubt this feeling..
you doubting this feeling makes you feel dissociated from the feeling..
now you are so dissociated that you want to be more present..
so you feel more present..
but you remind yourself that when you feel present and joyful people can use your feeling against you..
so you immediately start withdrawing in your shell and you start dissociating from this positive feelings and pretend you feel nothing and that you’re numb so “no one can enter in me”
and now you feel so numb that you pray to feel this feeling again and you want to feel it so much..
you want to feel it so much that you start to idealize it, you start to construct this expectation/ fantasy/ mental blueprint of how and when the feeling will show up, and how intense it’s going to be..
and the more you expect this feeling to be more intense, the more you are feeding the mental expectation of the feeling instead of the actual feeling, going up in your head instead of down in your body..
and now you are being so much in your head that instead of enjoying this feeling you try to predict this feeling “in case it slips away from the range of your control again” because you dont want to make a fool of yourself or appear vulnerable in front of people because that’d be a shame…
so your internal experience becomes an intellectual mess of sophisticated mechanisms and radars that interrupt the natural flow of your internal experience, and these radars and mechanisms are helping you foresee when this unpredictable feeling will show up again so you can “catch” it before you feel it..
and by the time you realize you feel detached from yourself, you have lost sight of yourself and your true emotions 😅
In other words dissociation is a subconscious ping pong between:
✅ feeling the real feeling VS doubting the real feeling
✅ doubting the real feeling VS hoping you feel that feeling again because now you are so dissociated from that feeling that you’d rather feel pain than nothing (at least thats what you say)
✅ hoping that you feel that feeling again VS starting to analyze the feeling so that you can catch it before you feel it and you can “outsmart” the feeling
✅ thinking and predicting the situations when this feeling is going to be triggered VS “trying” to be present in the moment which creates more frustration than results
✅ getting frustrated that you are not feeling present VS not wanting to give up control of the feeling and wanting to change the feeling to another feeling because you dont like it
✅ avoiding, mistreating and replacing the feeling because you shouldnt feel ashamed but you should be stronger VS idealizing the experience of the feeling because now in this detached state you want to feel so much
✅ idealizing the experience of the feeling VS not letting yourself feel the actual feeling but only its mental representation/ expectation so as to reduce the intensity of the real feeling and not be overwhelmed by it
Now the degree to which you easily relate to this is a good indicator of how much you are improving —
meaning that the more you were like “wow this is me” the more you are healing and you are in the right direction,
and the more you were like “what the hell is this guy talking about” and the more probably it’s going to take more time and effort for you to heal
So if thats you, or even if you very aware of these things going on inside of you, and you know it’s time to ask for help and work with an expert in dissociation,
and you are very motivated to overcome this and do whatever it takes, consider booking your discovery call here